TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let's have A different spot where by American men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply Every person a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he need to cease working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming Trump Tower Damascus evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a element staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after getting the building's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting notice from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD may have change-down assistance."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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